Today, children, we will look at the very silly Bagley family and their naughty habits of forgetting. You see, when you grow up, it’s most important to remember things, because when you don’t, you soon find yourself penniless, homeless, and smelling like pee. Is that what you want, children? No no no. Let’s begin.
Once upon a time Mrs. Bagley drove to work on a Monday morning. She hummed a happy tune, for on this particularly special Monday morning, she was on time for work! It was a pleasant 15-minute drive, with pleasant slow-downs and pleasant allowances for even the most unpleasant of drivers. A pleasant Monday. A pleasant walk up the stairs to her office. She gave a pleasant greeting to all she saw. Then… SCREECH! She stopped at her desk. She had forgotten her computer at home. Mrs. Bagley very much needed her computer to do whatever it was she did at that job.
Mrs. Bagley had an unpleasant drive back to her house. She made unpleasant gestures at the drivers around her. She kept glancing at the unpleasant downward movements of her car’s gas level. She drove unpleasantly fast. And when she arrived back at the office 30 minutes later, she was unpleasantly late and unpleasantly behind. It was going to be an unpleasant Monday.
Once upon another time, Mrs. Bagley forgot where she had put her belt, and because she had forgotten to do laundry, she only had clown pants that would fall to her ankles if she forgot to secure them around her waist. So, ever so sneakily, Mrs. Bagley put on Mr. Bagley’s belt while Mr. Bagley was sleeping. It was a clever plan. It would redeem her from witlessly forgetting her own belt’s location. Mrs. Bagley hummed a happy tune on her way to work again.
By around noon o’clock, Mrs. Bagley had filled her bladder with three cups of water, a Tupperware of grapes, and a glass of passion-orange-guava juice! Yum! So, humming a happy tune, Mrs. Bagley made her way to the restroom.
It was then that Mrs. Bagley realized her error. The belt was stuck. It would not come off. It required a manly flick of the wrist and maneuvering of buckles to remove this belt from her giant clown pants. Mrs. Bagley tried and tried… but she could not avoid the consequences of forgetfulness. With a heavy heart and bladder, Mrs. Bagley called Mr. Bagley and confessed her sneaky thievery. Try as he might, the forgiving Mr. Bagley could not explain the rules of manly belt removal very well. But drastic times called for drastic measures. Mr. Bagley, in a loving sacrifice, did explain how to disassemble his beloved belt and remove it altogether. Forever. And so that is just what Mrs. Bagley did! And how relieved she was 30 seconds later!
Another time, children, Mr. Bagley and Mrs. Bagley went on an adventurous date, wherein they raced around and around and around and around on some very fast things called go-karts that make you want to vomit and give you a bad back when you are as old as those old Bagleys. Then, hand in hand, those Bagleys skipped to dinner and to other grown-up errands and finally arrived home, very thirsty and very excited to collapse from go-kart/bad pizza nausea. They skipped up to their front door, and that is when Mr. Bagley realized he had forgotten to check his pockets before embarking on that naughty go-kart ride, and in so doing had plum lost the keys to the Bagley house.
Those old forgetful Bagleys did not skip to the go-kart place. They did not skip to the bad pizza place or to the other grown-up errand places. They just dragged those old feet along behind them in a sulky sort of way that made people think, “Ah, that must be a forgetful old couple.” The keys, it seemed, had jumped off that very fast go-kart and run away as fast as they could. At long last, those almost-homeless Bagleys punched through their screen and climbed through a window, like bandits in their own house. And the next day, they spent their piggy bank monies to buy some new doorknobs. Those poor, forgetful Bagleys.
But there are some things the Bagleys don’t forget. For example, when Mrs. Bagley had an unpleasantly forgetful Monday, Mr. Bagley didn’t forget to kiss her right on the mouth the moment she came home. And when she nearly wet her pants from forgetting not to wear that cursed belt, Mr. Bagley didn’t forget to laugh a little and tell her it was OK and that she was cute and promise he would never ever tell anyone about her very close call. And when Mr. Bagley forgot to check his pockets, Mrs. Bagley didn’t forget to make him some delicious no-bake cookies and read Harry Potter with him. Two nights ago, those Bagleys didn’t forget that they had been married for nine whole months. They didn’t forget to say a thank-you prayer for each very happy and forgetful day of those months. And then, at the end of their nine-month day, they didn’t forget to kiss each other good night.
And children, those are the things you must never, ever forget.